Prohombres de España: Abdalá Ibn Cordio

A partir de ahora, y con una periodicidad arbitraria, esta página servirá de homenaje a los prohombres que han hecho de España una unidad de destino en lo universal. La intención de estas breves biografías no es solamente divulgativa o pedagógica, sino también, por tanto, conmemorativa. Únicamente con el conocimiento de la labor de estas personas podremos por fin mirar al futuro con una esperanza no exenta de patriotismo. Todos ellos son la columna vertebral de una nación donde antaño no se ponía el sol. Esperamos que la historia sea el punto de partida de un nuevo amanecer eterno.

PROHOMBRES DE ESPAÑA (I): ABDALÁ IBN CORDIO, CONQUISTADOR DE CÓRDOBA

Alrededor del año 1500, Abdalá Ibn Cordio, residente en la actual Argelia (tirando para abajo) e hijo de un rico mercader bereber y de una hacendosa ama de casa de origen sirio, decide dejar a un lado su cómoda vida e, influido por tempranas lecturas y las recientes historias de su círculo familiar (su tío paterno, el nazarí, tenía una marca de una colleja del mismísimo Fernando El Católico), consagrar su vida a la conquista de Córdoba, el califato perdido.
Con sólo 18 años traza un plan asombroso por su precisión y sencillez: llegar a Córdoba con un ejército y tomarla por la fuerza. Modesto y reservado por naturaleza, reúne el valor suficiente para plantear tal proyecto en su hogar, mas resulta abofeteado por su padre, que califica la idea de absurda. No menos severa se muestra su madre, que califica la idea de irrealizable, golpeando a su hijo con el dorso de la mano. Tampoco fue más comprensible su hermano mayor, que concibiendo la iniciativa como una quimera incongruente y exponiéndolo en la célebre frase que se ha hecho de uso común en nuestros días “eres más tonto que una mierda” (en el original árabe hacía una referencia concreta a la bosta de buey), golpeó el escroto de Abdalá Ibn Cordio con un almirez de bronce.
Expulsado de su casa, Ibn Cordio vaga por el desierto con la firme intención de reclutar en ese ambiente duro a los hombres que formen parte de su glorioso ejército. Vislumbra un brillo especial en unos rudos muchachos que reponían fuerzas en un oasis. Acercóse a ellos, encaramóse a una roca (en aquellos tiempos una persona acercábase, no es hasta siglos más tarde cuando un merodeador iroqués logra acercarse por vez primera) y exclama: ¡Reconquistemos Córdoba, uníos a mí! Por algún problema de índole acústica, los hombres sólo oyen la segunda parte del mensaje y agarrando a Ibn Cordio por la chilaba, le roban las sandalias y lo sodomizan sin pedir permiso, pasaje histórico que se conoce como el alumbramiento por la angosta vía.
Efectivamente, Ibn Cordio, iluminado ya, se percata de que no puede confiar en la providencia y decide reclutar mercenarios en la población más cercana, para lo cual debía atravesar leguas y leguas de desierto. En este punto se convierte, como en tantos otros aspectos, en precursor, concretamente del Maratón de las Arenas (descalzo y debido a las altas temperaturas de la arena llega a recorrer cientos de kilómetros en cuestión de tres días, de puntillas, con la chilava recogida con las manos a la altura del muslo y gritando au, au, au).
Cuando llega al ansiado pueblo, sus habitantes le apodan por la aventura El Dromedario Humano, encerrándolo inmediatamente en una jaula donde durante una década es exhibido como criatura anómala en las ferias, siendo además amamantado por una mula.
Vendido más tarde como esclavo a un mercader, se convierte en precursor del movimiento sindical al rebelarse contra su amo, solicitando más guarnición en las comidas. Su dueño, tras mandar que le cortasen las orejas, envía a Ibn Cordio a galeras, donde sus compañeros remeros le apodan El Dromedario Desorejado. Al pasar frente a las costas de Gibraltar, Ibn Cordio se lanza al agua y llega a la costa tras nadar más de siete kilómetros entre un fuerte oleaje. Unos pescadores españoles lo encuertran desvanecido en la arena y, tras sodomizarlo, le apodan Boqueroncito de Cai.
Ibn Cordio huye al monte y se convierte en precursor del bandolerismo en Sierra Morena muchos años antes de que El Tempranillo hiciera de las suyas por aquellos lares. Erigido como jefe indiscutible y único miembro de su tropa, resulta detenido en su primer golpe, cuidadosamente planeado, que consistía en robar una manzana de un huerto. Tras veinte años de prisión en Toledo, en los que fue violado 254 veces, queda libre y decide promover una revuelta popular en Córdoba con la intención de reconducir a las masas cristianas hacia la verdadera fe.
Debido a su maltrecha salud tras tantos años de cárcel, ha de llegar reptando a Córdoba, por lo que es apodado El Ofidio éste del Carajo. En 1535 llega a la ciudad y se dirige al Patio de los Naranjos con la firme intención de subir a la torre de la antigua mezquita para hacer un llamamiento. Por su debilidad tiene que arrastrarse por las escaleras, y tarda en llegar arriba tres días, en los que ingiere dos kilos y medio de pelusas cristianas. Una vez en el campanario reúne fuerzas para alzar la voz, pero el vigilante de la torre lo lanza al vacío de un puntapié. Ibn Cordio muere espachurrado. Mas ahí quedaba su hazaña.

Comments

  1. Muad´Dib wrote:

    Fazaña diría yo. Oh! No hay nada como hacer saber a nuestro bienamado pueblo cuantos héroes anónimos cayeron en el noble ejercicio de engrandecerle. De haber triunfado nuestro valeroso caudillo el Sáhara seguiría siendo nuestro (y Marruecos tb, el problema -único- es q seguramente la capital tb estaría allí)

  2. Garganta Profunda wrote:

    Entre tu post de hoy y la historia de la «Timothy Band» me habeis alegrado el dia de largo!

    Muera «El Club de la Comedia»
    Viva el absurdo!

  3. Caracartón wrote:

    Por aquellos tiempos ¿Existía la vaselina?. Diosss, que sufrimiento.

  4. Alfredo_MG wrote:

    Según el célebre tratado de 1894 «La sodomía forzada en el antiguo régimen» va a ser que no.

  5. minutisa wrote:

    Yo tengo por ahí también gloriosas faltas de ortografía… chilaba es con B, chatuelo.

    Salut à tous.

  6. minutisa wrote:

    ¡Ay si Don Fernando levantara la cabeza…!Chilaba es con B, chatuelo. Ya, ya sé que yo por ahí también tengo gloriosas faltas de ortografía, pero como soy mucho más alta da igual.

    Salut à tous.

  7. minutisa wrote:

    La madre que parió al programa, me decía que no había cargado el primer mensaje.

  8. Ava wrote:

    Alfredo, según un tratado más antiguo, Sodomitus Tractatus (Padre Prior Pedre Rastus, 1369, gran elogiador de la pureza y belleza infantiles), la sodomía se intentaba lubricar usando la propia arena del desierto, merced a antiguas tradiciones de origen incierto que se remontan a épocas pretéritas cuando por esas zonas el clima era más benigno y llovía más con lo que la arena no era sino barro y mucho más útil para tamañas prácticas.

    El consiguiente escozor y lesiones que provocaba el empleo tradicional de la arena tanto a sodomita como a sodomizado fue lo que llevó a considerar esta práctica como impura por los profetas de las diversas religiones, en un afán de guardar en buen estado las potencias reproductoras de sus fieles, asegurando el futuro y continuidad de la fé.

    Sin embargo, la costumbre, como has demostrado en tu documento histórico se siguió practicando entre las clases populares, adquiriendo un auge tremendo cuando el sin par caballero Don Alberto de Chueca conocido popularmente como «La alegría de la Corte», amante fugaz y secreto de Felipe el Hermoso, descubrió en plena coyunda con su amante árabe en su casa de Toledo, en plena realización de la mítica convivencia de las tres culturas (también les acompañaba andaba un judío que era motivo de cariñosas bromas debido a su condición de circunciso), las propiedades mucho mejores del aceite de oliva para tales fines, creando el punto de partida para la «revolución sexual» que amenaza con dinamitar la sociedad occidental.

  9. Ava wrote:

    De ahí la popular expresión «este hombre pierde aceite…», debida al delator pringue corporal que dejaba la utilización del aceite de oliva en estás faenas.

  10. Alfredo_MG wrote:

    Minutisa, ¿dónde has visto chilaba con «v»? (gracias, so Semenova). Ava, he de reconocer que no conocía ese tratado, a pesar de que para la elaboración de este texto he consultado casi un centenar de libros (y empleado dos años de trabajo constante).

  11. Mekral wrote:

    Has demostrado una capacidad de sintesis y concreción cojonuda. Te felicito 😛

  12. javanoir wrote:

    ¡Muy bueno! Mis felictaciones al autor por la intensa labor de recopilación, investigación y síntesis que a buen seguro ah supuesto la elaboración de dicho texto.

    He de decir, que concurro plenamente con Minutisa y que chilaba es con b. (Aparece en el párrafo del Maratón de la Arenas)

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    Alfredo, pon: en Ediciòn, Buscar en esta Pàgina y encontraràs donde està.

    Tampoco pasa nada q el q estè libre de pecado..

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